I am a total failure

Today she was in a new dress and I really admired her but she is kinda far from me more than I can think of. My secret crush on her is killing me and I will die if she will not come to me. I also went to get a look at her from my important work but she was nowhere to be seen.  I like her smile,her eyes,her innocent face and what not. My feelings for her are totally different from the desire of making a physical relationship and I don't even think of that at the moment. This kind of thing has happened to me only twice in my life. Once there was a girl in my class and seriously she is my password as well. She had all the similarcthings that this girl have but both of them are very hard to get and are much desired by the people and always hitted so I don't stand a chance.

Today I lost my team a match that was totally dependent on me at the end and I failed them. Everyone think I am a loser and they are always thinking me as a weak person who needs support but I only need support moral based and some talking with them but I also don't think that as an introvert it would be easy for me to get talking.

I think I am going to break my pledge today as I am very weak from inside and the evil is going to get me.

God please save me.....

I lose friends or were they just acquintances

I sometimes think that I have friends but then some moments come when I think that they were just using me for a timepass and they had no one to talk with them

These kind of people really piss me off and I really feel very bad about myself. They come to you in a moment of need and after it they just say hi hello from far away or just give a smile.

I want a real friend to share my feelings but seriously I never had any such person in my life on whom I can trust and who trust me and with whom I can share my feelings,have some outdoor fun and someone who can help me in difficult situations.

That's why I started this blog so that I can share my views,my feelings with someobe who feels same or atleast just me and it makes me feel really good and takes a burden off me because I don't have a personal diary and even if I had a personal diary it might be risky business. People can read your personal diary but they can't read the blog until you tell them url or you share your personal info or other recognisable events or traits.

I advise every introvert to start a blog so that you can share your views with atleast yourself and get the burden away from your heart.

Feeling so lonely

I am feeling so lonely today and I think I will not be able to study today. My crush was looking so beautiful and I don't even got a look from her and it is really long time since she ever cared to look at me. I am feeling so sad and scare that I might lose her to any other boy.

I don't have any guts to tell her. She is with her friends or in a crowded place and I might not able to even talk to her in my whole life and any extrovert boy can get her with their charm while I will always be a loser and not anything else.

I try to become talkative with or try to be oversmart but I am not even a smart and goodlooking. I don't have any hope of any job in my life because my grades are really poor and I am also not good in sports and whatever that is wanted I am not good at it. I am a complete loser and I have to admit it seriously.

A few people try to motivate me but I am just what I am and I don't think I can change. However I was once a brilliant student and was counted in top three of my class. But after coming to college I don't know what happened to me I feel so lonely and frustrated and I really don't know why.

I live alone in a small room listening to people partying ,talking to their friends,laughing and killing me from inside unintentionally. I don't think I can do anything in my life. This introvercy is kind of becoming a curse to me and I also don't think that I will be any good as extrovert.

I have a strong urge to go home because there are my parents and atleast they love me. I will advice to anyone that if you don't think anyone loves you just have a look at your parents. I am only living for my parents otherwise I would have died long ago. I just care for them because they are the only ones who care for me,who love me.

I don't told you to read this post because this is my personal blog and if you think I am overreacting ,seriously get lost. And if you don't have any problem and understand me then just leave you advice in comments box.

Benefits Of Playing Sports

Tomorrow I will be giving to minor tests and I am totally confused on what to study and what not to study though I am motivated to study after playing sports. I played cricket today and believe me I am now fully fresh and can study with my full concentration.

In my views sports are a good thing for introverts,in this way we don't get feel lonely (sometimes we do) . This is also a good opportunity to let our extrovert side to expose itself. No one is pure introvert.

Another good effect of sports is that we become physically fit and a physically sound body have a sound mind so that we can increase our scope of thinking.

In beginning sports can be somewhat tiresome for your body but in a few days of regular playing you are good to go and you feel that your body is fresh after playing.

You get a good sleep after playing outdoor sports and that makes you sleep well. Sleeping gives our body rest and increase its efficieny and you can get more output with your body. Sleeping also increases age (please consult expert).

Thats a stop to my nonsense post and I also want to include if you are a regular reader and want to know ,that she today not even looked at me and I not got much chance to look at her. I will try tommorow to talk to her.

People Need To Change Their Mentality

This is an offtopic post but I thought that I will share it so that someone will listen what I am saying and if you like then you can just share it with your friends or anyone.

You have seen news almost daily that people killed someone without any reason or you might have listened that a few mass killings happened in recent past. One news that shocked me was that in UK one boy murdered his girlfriend because his friends offered him a free lunch in exchange. This was just a small example of people's decreasing moral values.

In India people gangrape girls in their cars,in houses . Such people are not eligible to live in this society and if you have a friend that done something real bad then you must leave him because his mind can change anytime and maybe the next victim will be a kin of yours.

I don't know where I am going with this post but you must know that the people who commit such unforgivable crimes such as rape,murder are not good for the society.

The people who commit such crimes should think atleast once that they aren't only devastating other's life but they are going to get punished and in this way they are going to get their own life destroyed.

For this we need to spread moral values in the kids because only a kid can be made as whatever we want ,you have pretty less chances in changing an adult's mentality. Only we can make this society a good place for us because sonehow or other these crimes are going to affect our lives someday. People are not born to kill or rape but the kind of education they get makes them such criminals. Youth from high class families think that poor girls are just a disposable glass and they use them and when their sexual desires don't stop they need prostitutes and it makes the selling of poor girls at large scale. In India people sell girls for money they kidnap girls and not even men,women are also in this business(sin). These activities are not only in India but almost in every country on our planet.

Please share your views though the post is not well organised and it is just a piece of thoughts that came into my mind as I let the thoughts coming out of my mind.

Feeling good but need her

After a full day without exhausting myself I feel so good and fresh after I slept for the night however my plans for studying were failed by one of my classmate who spent nearly three hours in my room talking utter non sense that I regret because I wanted to study and I am now trying to make plans for my upcoming tests.

I am also going to watch a movie today and some match and also have some plans for reading LOTR. For all this I think I have to make a tight schedule and also have to follow it to make it succeed.

People think I am a fool and they can use me for their selfish reasons but that's not gonna happen. I am feeling so disturbed as I am going to complete college in one year but I still don't have good marks or any thing that I can show to my kins. I am a total failure in this life but I deeply want to change my life by doing something big.

I have a few plans and I will try them when I get out of the college with a degree in my hands and a girl in my life(I hope so).I told you that I am going to proporse her this week until unless she is alone and sitting not just running. Please hope she atleast give me a chance as all the boys of my class wants to get her though they not dare to speak her name loudly but I think I do have a few chances as I examined some moments of my past that she was looking at me and we both smiled though it was a joke told by our teacher but time stopped for once, I don't know if I am overthinking but I saw something in her eyes.

Another moment was that one day she came from outside and I was standing but I saw her and she was continously looking towards me and I felt so uncomfortable and it was against her nature so it is hars to guess that she stared at me because she like me or because she was just looking. After that day I was standing with one of my classmate in corridor and she looked at me for a while and seriously I am stunned and it means she is not that much shy as I thought she was but is that also means that she like me because I am confused. After that day she not even looked at me though I saw her laughing and listening music inside class with headphones and it again made me wonder about her nature.

Please share your views on this post and especially on the last part of it.

Things I want to do before dying

I am an introvert and people misunderstand me(us) as not fun loving person but personally I disagree with this fact and I think we also have desires to go on outdoor adventures.

I made a list on the things I am going to do in my life and will not die befor I do them. I am sharing the list with you :

Travel Whole Europe: I don't know what Europe have but I want to travel whole Europe in my life. I like the monuments,castles,villages,cultures and everything in Europe. I am going to complete my mission before 2016 and I have to work hard to get that much money to travel across all the big or small countries of Europe. I will do it alone or with the girl I still have a one sided relationship with.

Own a submarine: I once read a book whose name I can't remember but it was totally based on life in a submarine and I liked it very much and I since then want to travel across all the world deep underwater and I will hunt for treasures. I don't know how much it will cost but I will do this adventure in last so that if I ruin everything I will have a chance to stay somewhere.

Skydiving: I have a fear of heights and you might say that I am not capable of skydiving but the fact is that would love to jump off that aircraft and into the arms of sky( I am bad at word selection). I want to enjoy the very moment of excitation just before jumping from there.

Lost in the mountains: I have another desire to get lost in the mountains of New Zealand and find my way by camping and trekking just like Bear Grylls of Man Vs. Wild. I love the mountains of New Zealand from the movie Lord Of The Rings. I hope to accomplish this task as soon as possible.

Till now I have these desites but I will keep you updated with my other desires.

Please share your must do list in your life.

One day without masturbating and porn

I just spent my whole day without masturbating and watching any porn and I feel good not physically but mentally. I was totally exhausted by three nights in a row and I was just feeling like an old person today in the morning but I retained my power slowly and still I can't say that I am really good but I am more energetic than yesterday.

This lonely night can make me break my pledge but this time I am not that weak and I will fight with every evil thought that comes into my mind. Today I played,laughed and studied. I was feeling so lonwly yesterday but now I accept it without questions.

All I have to do is keep focus on my goal and stay engaged and listen to music to stop masturbating.

I can say this blog is becoming more focussed on masturbating than introvercy but I think that it is the problem of almost whole youth and I can say that introverts like me are not an exception. If you want to join me in this mission against masturbation then please do comment and let us join each other.

I am willing to write more and more content to make my heart feel so light and I am really thinking that blogging in this way is helping my life a lot. I am feeling more happy and more satisfied with my life as I think that someone is waiting for my post and this way I think I found a friend with whom I can share my feelings and I can make me feel light. I considered to buy a diary but it seemed that I can't be so open into it as someone may read it but this blog lets me share my feelings with you and I don't have to worry much about privacy as I am using a pen name and I am working secretly.

I want your support in my blogging so please do point out my mistakes and please share your views about the post so that I feel encouraged in my life and you can also have a friend like me and believe me I am a good friend if someone values me and knows who I am and what I am capable of. One of my classmate who I called my friend argued me over a point I told him that I am saying the truth but he out of his ego called me that I am selfish and I swear to god that I was right in my point and thus I left his room and now he don't talk to me. I once tried but he is an egoist person and seriously I don't care much as I was always in the same condition with no one to tell my heart desires and feelings.

I don't hate girls but they hate me

I am an introvert and I can gurantee that none of my classmates or people in my college understand what an introvert is. People say to me that I don't talk,that I remain silent. But the fact is just opposite I can talk with people whom I am more open to and I can talk non-stop on topics that interest me.

I have a different behaviour around girls. I was once good at talking with girls but that was many many years ago. Now I just don't have enough courage to talk with girls or even look at them . I fear the unknown. The girls really think I am weird and must be making fun of me because I walk with my eyes on ground because there are so many girls around.

Girls think I am an alien and they talk to everyone and just not me. Even girls talk to the most boring person of my class(believe me I think he is more boring than me). I think all the facts are pointing towards the fact that I am ugly looking. And that makes me totally out of the chances to make love with my dream girl.

Personally I don't want that girls should talk to me but still a small hi will work and I will not feel outcasted.

Even my classmates think I am weird and they often make fun of me for not liking girls. They think I am a girl inside wearing a body of boy. All of my classmates are extroverts and they just talk in groups and they don't feel any problem talking to strangers while I even feel uncomfortable while talking to them while I know them since three years.

The post above might be a boring and unorganized but I am not writing this blog as a profession but for personal diary and I just write whatever comes into my mind during writing but still I think some of you can relate with the posts and I would be more than happy if you share your views so that we can fight this war together.

Harmful effects of masturbation

I was trying to not do any sinful activity yesterday but I seriously become weak to those desires and I just can't stop. But from my experiences I came to know a few harmful effects of masturbation and I want to share them here .

First one is Bad Health  I am sick of reading that masturbation is healthy,it maybe but a little excessive masturbation affects your immunity(Please consult professionals). We might have learnt from our experiences that we become weak to some disease such as cold and also we have headaches,sore eyes and what not. I can gurantee if you can name a single person who don't have any of these problems and enjoy the masturbation.

Another thing that comes is that masturbation leaves our body exhausted and we waste so much of useful energy. We can use that energy in any useful task instead of wasting it for frustration. Masturbation is considered alternative to sex but from reading people experiences it comes out that sex makes you feel energetic instead of exhausting the energy out of you. Each and every person who masturbates is full of exhaustion.

Third thing is guilt. We all have a soul and it cries after masturbation because it is a sinful activity. Everyone who masturbates feels guilty doing it and take a pledge to not to do it again.

We seriously need to prptect our energy and I am strongly commited for this thing and now I took oath to not do masturbation and watch porn whole of my life.

Only love can help introverts from stopping masturbating. I don't get much love and that's why evil is so powerful inside me and since it can't harm others it is harming me.

Please note that these all are from my experiences and I advise you to ask a professional.

I would like to hear your views about any of this so please do share here by your comments.

How I stopped masturbating? Day:1

This post will not be a single time post but it will be a starting post of a small series of how I stopped masturbating(not yet) or tried it.

So let us start our day first. My first day starts from the very moment I just masturbated and I will note the time. I will start a hobby and make friends online. I will try to update the journey regularly and I will keep you updated on the methods I use to stop or atleast avoid the very idea or desire of masrmturbating. Masturbating makes kidney problem,makes face old,eyes have black spots.

So let the journey begin.

How I started masturbating,the worst moment of my life...

I am going to share the very moment when I started masturbating. I was 13 year old and I was sitting in my exams. In our school students of another class sat with us and before the exam I heard them talking something about jerking it.

I got a small desire inside me to check that thing out and I came home after the exams and I went into my toilet. Yes toilet,I was living with my parents in a small room at rent. I felt amazing and a good experience and I kept doing it regularly. I soon started getting white liquid and soon I hated it to masturbate but it soon turned into an addiction and a hobby kinda thing.

Then we built our own house and in my room I was able to do anything. I started remaining naked and jerk with pictures in magazines. I started watching late night TV and jerking daily. I was almost dead but then I gave it a rest.

After that I got a mobile phone and seriously mobile meant just porn-on-the-go and I started waking up for nights and then I started more jerking. I fantasy pictures of porn than videos so that I can create a story of my own. I hate myself now that I watch porn and I love a girl.

That was my story and it now have a the end that means I am stopping to watch porn and masturbation. Watching porn is an addiction and I want to get rid of this seriously ill disease.

Please motivate me with your comments.

I am so weak

I tried not to watch porn and also not to masturbate but it is three days in a row I am masturbating. I need support and I don't know what the hell is the problem with me and all I want is to get rid of it. From this moment I take pledge unto myself that I will not masturbate for the coming 30 days and also I will not watch porn or read any obscene joke or see any obscene photo at all. This is my journey to a better life. I wish someone was there to give me that courage so that I will not kill myself from inside.

I searched happiness but it is nowhere . No happiness in money at all. All I want is to meet my girl and tell her about my feelings but I don't find a perfect time to do that. And I know that I am an ugly boy and she may reject me without even thinking about me.

I think that masturbation makes me weaker,makes me look ugly,makes me weaker from inside and lastly I am losing my memory. People say that masturbation is not bad but we all know from inside the guilt we all have after doing that stuff and we regret more than anything else.

I hate the day when I first listened about jerking off and I experinented. It felt good. This thing may be a new story on why and how I started masturbating.
I will post it as soon as possible and no one but ne will hate to read it.

I just want to live a happy and healthy life so please god save ne from this cruel satan. Or you can say evil. I want to focus on my other important tasks. Such as I wanted to read the book but i just stopped to watch the porn and my god I hated but I don't know what I liked in it but I started and watched one video after another. I am feeling real guilty after watching the pornography and I want to stop it. Do you guys know any way I can stop watching that ridiculous stuff as it is only pornography that make me masturbate. i don't masturbate without any picture or porn.

I am realky lost and I am seeking advice so please do comment on how to stop masturbating as an introvert.

One thing I want to add is that we introverts have most time alone so how do you guys pass your time when not thinking about something.

I am waiting.

Ignored and Bored,Don't know what to do?

Being an introvert is another thing but today people just don't cared about me. I was left alone and everyone was sitting one bench away and they seriously didn't cared what the hell was they doing. After a virtual break up from a one sided love from my crush I was so broken but no one cared about me.

Today she again was not caring to look atleast once at me. I am going through the post breakup scenario and even if I want to forget her I have something inside me that don't want to let her go even if I wanted to.

She was again with her group of friends and oh my god I came to know that she have a new email address. She was again at the yesterday's place and the same story is repeated today.

And I want to start a no pornography and masturbation routine and I will now start a case study on my days without porn and masturbation. But tonight is going to be really bad and it is going to be very hard to avoid my desires and if I get pass through this night I am going to try same tactic tommorow and the following night. I have to study for my minor tests that are coming next week.

One thing I don't like about people is that they make their own theory about people without ever coming to know that what they are thinking. People in my life think that I am a heartless person and I don't love girls and I am only a nerd. But the fact is that I am not a heartless person but I do love a girl and I have feelings. What if I don't have a good face ,love is purely eternal and it makes the value of a bad face more than a good face without the purity of love.

So I have to stop being so much emotional and let me study "Lord Of The Rings". I kinda love that book and I want to write a book with a fantasy world. If you guys have any tips please comment.

I don't deserve you

Okey I am leaving everything and the very thought of you. You will not understand what happened to me today when you just not looked at me. I was dying for a look and you just don't care. I think I am just going to be mad and I am in a onesided love and I don't think I deserve your love and thus I am just a big loser. I am ugly,shy,introverted piece and I just don't deserve to be in people. I think I have friends but it is my misunderstanding. I have only acquintances and no friends. In that way I am just a loser and nothing else. I wasted my time just looking for you here and there. I thought that a bit of you wanted me. I thought that you like me as much as I do. But,today everything changed and now I know that it was just a misunderstanding that is common in a one sided love. I still admire you as a person. And I am not writing this thing because I hate you but because I hate myself. I deserve to be hated. People just ignore me. They don't love or hate me. I am saying a sad goodbye to this small misunderstood,one sided love story and I request you to please stop me to not to start it again.

Let me introduce myself

Since I am an introvert and shy as well I am not going to tell my name,age,place but I will share my life's story and I know no one is interested but I don't care and I will try to write regularly.

I go to college and live in a hostel(You got my age). I love reading books,surfing web and day dreaming. I want to start my own company and I don't want to marry other than a girl I like most. I am an introvert and shy to talk to strangers and would rather die than talking to a group of girls.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I am sure I am not alone and if you are like me I would like to know your views so please do comment. And please forgive any bad spelling as I am typing from my mobile.

Let the journey of an introvert begin.